It’s a day that most parents know (and hope) will come. Their child is off on her own, making good decisions, paying his bills. But raising independent children doesn’t happen automatically.
For many, college is an interim step where young adults learn responsibility and accountability.
Whether they go off to some campus and live in a dorm or they’re living at home and working their way through school, they’re developing the stuff needed to lead a productive, meaningful life.
For others, it’s right out into the real world. Getting a job, learning to budget money, growing up.
But, as Jim Taylor, Ph.D., writes in this Psychology Today blog post, independence doesn’t happen automatically. He writes:
Independence is not something that your children can gain on their own. They have neither the perspective, experience, nor skills to develop independence separately from you. Rather, it is a gift you give your children that they will cherish and benefit from their entire lives.
For most of us, nurturing indpendent children is not easy. The very act of parenting involves caring for our children in ways that often make it difficult for them to become independent of us. As Taylor writes:
There is, however, a fine line between security and dependence. When your children have established their sense of security, you must then encourage them to explore the world beyond the safety net that you provide, this "push out of the nest" allows your children to test their own capabilities in the "real world" and to find a sense of confidence, security, and independence within themselves.
If you are like me, you don't start out with a systematic way to do this.
You are doing your best to try to provide for your children, to keep them safe, to help them to develop academically and socially, and to give them the skills that will help them later in life.
But, in doing all these things we often take care of most decisions for our children.
The paradox is this: We can’t make our kids responsible. In fact, the very act of trying to make them responsible takes away their responsibility.
Or, as psychologist Michael Thompson says in, “Flying Solo: Raise an Independent Kid” (Parents Magazine):
In the final analysis, there are important things that we can't do for our children, as much as we might want to. In order to grow in the ways they need to grow, children have to take the lead, and usually away from us.
That's where camp comes in.
Camp is the perfect balance of safety and freedom. It provides structure, but gives kids space to make their own decisions.
They’re given responsibility such as sweeping a cabin or setting the table in the dining hall. They bus their own dishes. They learn to get along with people who are different than themselves.
And they do all of this under the supervision of a young adult that they think is really cool. Each of my four children went through a period in their lives when everything I said was pretty much wrong.
But they’d listen to their camp counselor.
The combination of safety, structure and freedom is why parents send their kids to camp year after year and write comments such as these:
He definitely gained a sense of independence & responsibility.
I believe she continues to become more independent and spiritually enriched every year she stays at Pecometh
I feel she gains independence and deepens her spiritual walk.
Here’s the good news: If you’re uncertain about your child’s readiness for overnight camp, you can take it one step at a time. Here’s how.
Day Camp
This is all the fun and some of the responsibility of summer camp without the anxiety (for you or your child) of sleeping away overnight.
They’ll be outside, have both structure and freedom... and have lots of fun.
This year at Pecometh we have expanded our Day Camp to kids who have completed sixth grade.
Plus, we’ve also added an optional overnight stay on Thursday night of the camp week. They can decide if they want to stay for one night with the friends they’ve made throughout the week. If they do, great! If not, no big deal.
It’s their choice and it gives them a chance to make a small but significant step toward independence.
Mini-Camp
We call this “starter camp” for kids (and their parents). It recognizes that you have to start somewhere. As psychologist Thompson’s recalls, his son once remarked in horror, “If you can’t learn to sleep away from home, you have to live with your parents for the rest of your life!”
Mini-Camp is three days and two nights, so it’s about half the typical camp week.
This year we’ve expanded the age range in both directions to campers who have completed grades K-5. Some kids seem ready to sleepover for a couple nights right away. Others need more time.
Either way, at Mini-Camp, we double the staff to camper ratio so the kids will get plenty of attention for their first time at overnight camp.
They get all the structure and freedom that camp provides, and the added responsibility of learning to be away from home, even if it’s only for two nights.
Overnight Camp
This is not four-weeks or all summer long like some camps. It’s Sunday to Friday. But this is the bread and butter.
This is where they really gain independence AND have the time of their lives.
They come home singing silly songs, telling stories of inside jokes and fondly reminiscing about camp traditions.
And they grow up.
In researching his book, Homesick and Happy: How Time Away from Parents Can Help a Child Grow, Michael Thompson found that most adults’ sweetest memory of childhood took place when their parents were not present.
This is nothing against parents. Just a fact of life.
Thompson’s research indicates that these moments have common characteristics: they were away from adult supervision, outdoors, with friends, facing a challenge and doing something a bit risky.
Overnight camp is a great place for that to happen.
This explains why the “Counselor Hunt” at camp is such a camper favorite. At dark, the counselors go and hide within a certain area of camp. Many dress in camo or dark clothes and work really hard to find the best hiding places.
Our service staffers (lifeguards, instructors, etc.) then lead the cabin group on an expedition to look for them. If they find a counselor (any counselor), they lead the “prisoner” back to the pier where they are given points for their bounty in exchange for singing a silly song.
So let’s review the criteria for “sweetest moments:”
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Away from adult supervision. Well, not really. But the service staffer is not their counselor (parent for the week), so it feels that way.
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Outdoors. Check.
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With friends. Check.
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Facing a challenge. Check.
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Doing something a bit risky. Not really, but there is suspense and intrigue, so that counts for something.
So where would you rather your child have her or his sweetest moment … at camp or who knows where?
The best part is, they’re growing more independent while they do this.
Summer Staff
We call them “lifers.” They’re the ones who came to camp for several years in a row then, after high school, work on staff at camp. Not every staffer is a lifer, but many are.
Why?
Because they know what a difference those young adult staff made in their life and they want to do the same.
There are lots of things young adults can do in the summer. Choosing to work on summer staff is an opportunity to serve, as I wrote in a recent blog post.
But it goes beyond that. It develops leadership qualities.
Michael Thompson notes that in his interviews with college admissions officers they believe former campers are more likely to succeed in college and are even more impressed with former counselors.
You see, there CAN be a plan for building independence, one step at a time. And you thought summer camp was just about fun.
Want to learn more about our Camp programs?Download our Summer Camp Brochure:
Topics: Camp